She’s not quitting yet…
It’s been a hot minute since I’ve actually written a blog post, even longer than the last time I posted something (for chronology, I wrote this originally before the last post in early April). And all this time I’ve been thinking about whether I even return to writing these posts, whether they matter, are they a good use of my time? It takes a surprising amount of effort (not helped by a laptop clearly begging to be put down, which sounds like a helicopter taking off when I have more than two tabs open) and I know there are a lot of things I want to do with my time and energy. Maybe blogs don’t fit into that anymore.
The (maybe) good news is that I’ve concluded that I do think writing these posts is somewhat worthwhile. Beyond the blog and whoever ends up reading that, writing is what got me here and it’s what I plan on continuing doing. Initially, I started writing this blog after realising I missed the structure and the enjoyment of writing I had at university. Once that was done and I had no regular reason to write, stopping felt weird and like I’d lost some part of what I do. I’ve also written here a bit about my reflections on having a life purpose or goal, and for me, I think writing is that in some form. A life without writing these little paragraphs and eclectic thoughts ends up being one where I’m stuck in my head, having the same conversations with myself in a revolving door. Even if no one sees it, writing helps me move forward and understand myself a little bit better.
There’s the creative side of it too. I love choosing the words to use to craft sentences and images. It’s like decorating a cake for someone who has the skills to make it look halfway decent, or how I imagine Miranda Priestly felt choosing a belt for a look while lecturing Andrea about cerulean blue. It’s a challenge of how to show you exactly what I mean by taking you on an oddly specific journey that brings clarity and understanding. I think, often in life, conversations are too brief or happen at too fast a pace to afford me enough thinking time to use the exact words and sentiments I want, instead having to adapt and use the words that come quickest to mind. Generally, they achieve the same point, but I know sometimes I could be far more eloquent if I were able to have more time over it. Having a blog allows me as much time as I like. I can search for the perfect synonym or take you on a rambling metaphor and you’ll follow along (if you so wish).
On that theme, there are lots of things I’d love to spend more time talking about or pondering that in normal conversation would be a bit overkill or a weird rabbit hole to dive down. Having a blog has let me write adoringly about my plants, inspirational films and books, thoughts I’ve had about faith and growing up, beautiful concrete and philosophical thoughts of beauty. These feel very self-indulgent, allowing myself to stay with these rogue topics for as long as they interest me, not just as long as they relate to a conversation. I’m also able to tackle them from different angles, not just looking at my favourite aspect, but moving around the topic and feeling out different parts. Maybe that’s a hangover from studying philosophy, where there’s always another argument to consider, another idea that you haven’t uncovered yet.
However, knowing I want to keep writing and deciding to keep writing a blog are separate things. At the initial stage of writing, it doesn’t really make a difference whether the world sees it. The act of writing short pieces of my thoughts is the same wherever it ends up. Nonetheless, having the publicity of the blog makes me feel accountable on some level, to the unknown readers who I’ve promised to write for, even though I’ve never actually said that. Occasionally, people do mention my blog and it’s a weird moment of feeling like I’ve been caught. It does make me want to add more to the blog, so they can continue to read, if they want to. It probably gives me a healthy amount of self-awareness of what I’m sharing with everyone too.
All this to say, I’m doing my best. I’m tired and feel like there’s a lot constantly going on, but writing does help with that and I want to get back into good habits with it. I hope the blog will continue, but inevitably one day this chapter will close too. But there will always be me writing something, if not on the internet, maybe in a zine or some unknown book, or a carrier pigeon mailout. Only time will tell.
Rebekah's Ramblings 